Ronnie From Jerusalem / 2008

THINGS YOU NEVER LEARNED IN HEBREW SCHOOL:

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on

       white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

5. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstrom's.

6. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

7. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

8. Next year in Jerusalem, the year after that, how about a nice cruise?

9. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

10. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.

11. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never

      leave.

12. Always whisper the names of diseases.

13. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

15. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford

      it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

16. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner

       at 4:00 PM in Florida, Atlantic City or where ever you go to eat

       dinner!!!
.
17. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only

    in Chinese restaurants.


18. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case...

RE-JEW-VINATION

With Chanukah upon us, and since the world has finally come to realize that it is trendy and fashionable to be Jewish, I have hereby proposed the birth of the World's first: RE-JEW-VINATION

 

For a mere $400 (for you $395) you will be given a:

JEW-BALEE, where there will be loads of JEW-BALATION.

JEW-BALEE'S will only be held in the months of JEWNE and JEWLY.

First born girls will be named JEWDY and JEWLIE.

Firstborn boys will be named JEWLUS or JEWORGE.

Disrespectful or law breaking JEWVINILES will not be named but instead, sent to JEWVY.

First thing in the morning you should drink JEWICE. On hot afternoons and at sporting events you should drink the national beer HEEB-BREW and nosh on some GEFILTE SUSHI at BENAY HANA.  All photos taken at RE-JEW-VINATION events shall be processed exclusively at JEWISH AMERICAN PRINTS. So when you send your $397.50 along with your picture and a self addressed stamped envelope, and you are certain that JEW-BELIEVE,…. you will be certified and fully RE-JEW-VINATED!!

 

Buddhism as written in The Book Of Oy!

    Jewish Buddhism from the Book Of Oy!

  *There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote,         you never visited. And whose fault was that?

  *Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not
   every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
 

  *If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

   *The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single OY!

  *Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second,
   satisfaction. With the third, a Danish, a bagel, and a schmear

  *The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao
  does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The
   Tao is not Jewish.

 

     xoxox R from J

Words for the New World Jerusalem Dictionary

 

 

Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts of Jewish men. 

 

 Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 
 

 Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 
 

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. (i.e. oy-ster)

 

 Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 

 Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
 

Ronnie from Jerusalem.........

Ted Nugent called me the other day to invite me to go hunting. Although I don't hunt, I was so shocked at getting the call I said I was game.................so he shot me!

xoxox

R from J 

Words of Wisdom from the Book of OY!

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Xoxoxo

R from J

Book of Oy! // June 7, 2006

Subject: Pharmacology as in The Book of Oy!

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Xoxox R from J