And On The 6th Day.........

 

"On The Sixth Day..."

On the sixth day, G~d turned to the angel Gabriel....

"On this day, I shall create a magic land. It shall
be called 'Israel'. It will stand as holy. Its magnificence
will be known all over the world. I will choose to send
to this land special people of goodness, intelligence
and conviction, so the land shall prosper. I shall call
these inhabitants Jews."

"Pardon me, Lord," asked Gabriel, "but aren't you
being too generous to these Jews?"

"Not really. Wait until you see the neighbors I'm giving
them!"

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

The Italian - throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, Buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a Device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, Protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, The Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian

NEW WORDS WITH A YIDDISH INFLUENCE

Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Déjà Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Goyfer ( n.) A Gentile messenger.

Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..

Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and mak e-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork in it.

Ronnie From Jerusalem / 2008

THINGS YOU NEVER LEARNED IN HEBREW SCHOOL:

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on

       white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

5. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstrom's.

6. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

7. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

8. Next year in Jerusalem, the year after that, how about a nice cruise?

9. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

10. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.

11. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never

      leave.

12. Always whisper the names of diseases.

13. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

15. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford

      it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

16. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner

       at 4:00 PM in Florida, Atlantic City or where ever you go to eat

       dinner!!!
.
17. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only

    in Chinese restaurants.


18. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case...

RE-JEW-VINATION

With Chanukah upon us, and since the world has finally come to realize that it is trendy and fashionable to be Jewish, I have hereby proposed the birth of the World's first: RE-JEW-VINATION

 

For a mere $400 (for you $395) you will be given a:

JEW-BALEE, where there will be loads of JEW-BALATION.

JEW-BALEE'S will only be held in the months of JEWNE and JEWLY.

First born girls will be named JEWDY and JEWLIE.

Firstborn boys will be named JEWLUS or JEWORGE.

Disrespectful or law breaking JEWVINILES will not be named but instead, sent to JEWVY.

First thing in the morning you should drink JEWICE. On hot afternoons and at sporting events you should drink the national beer HEEB-BREW and nosh on some GEFILTE SUSHI at BENAY HANA.  All photos taken at RE-JEW-VINATION events shall be processed exclusively at JEWISH AMERICAN PRINTS. So when you send your $397.50 along with your picture and a self addressed stamped envelope, and you are certain that JEW-BELIEVE,…. you will be certified and fully RE-JEW-VINATED!!

 

Buddhism as written in The Book Of Oy!

    Jewish Buddhism from the Book Of Oy!

  *There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote,         you never visited. And whose fault was that?

  *Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not
   every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
 

  *If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

   *The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single OY!

  *Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second,
   satisfaction. With the third, a Danish, a bagel, and a schmear

  *The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao
  does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The
   Tao is not Jewish.

 

     xoxox R from J

Words for the New World Jerusalem Dictionary

 

 

Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts of Jewish men. 

 

 Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 
 

 Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 
 

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. (i.e. oy-ster)

 

 Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 

 Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.